my friend who I'll call E.

I have a friend who I'll call E. who also lived in Belarus. Today I thought about her and how she told us a story when we were visiting her recently. She told us a story about her time in Belarus and how she didnt feel that much of her time spent there (four years) was meaningful. I asked if she found anything at all meaningful and she said that when she took photos of the kids at a shelter and later looked at those photos she saw something called beauty, not just beauty but also a glimpse of what God sees when He looks at us. And that was the most meaning she got out of her entire four years spent there. I think I have had a similiar experience. I went to a different country hoping to make a life there. What I found instead was just one glimpse of God's ability to see. And so I pray it stays with me but fear I have lost it.

I fear I have lost it because while I caught the glimpse of God's vision I also caught a glimpse of humanity's utter cruelty and bitter hatred. In the midst of that God seems utterly silent and absent. And maybe I ingested some of that toxicity.

I know E. also had this encounter and exposure to cruelty. You cant live in Belarus more than a year and not be faced with it. She told me a second story. She said that there was one little girl at the shelter who was incredibly withdrawn. She had been abused by all kinds of people in all kinds of ways. She wouldn't even look up. After a while she started to feel a little more comfortable and began to make contact with E. when she would visit. For reasons unknown she chose E. as her "safe person" and she began to interact cautiously and shyly and slowly. After a while she went away to summer camp as was required. When she came back she was in the same withdrawn and traumatized state that she had been in on her arrival. E. tried to talk with her but she made no attempt at interacting. Something had overwhelmed her. Eventually things got worse. The little girl became aggressive because she felt so trapped.

E. still doesnt know the full story but they ended up taking the little girl to a psychiatric hospital. They treated her with medication and post soviet psychology. In a short time she was reduced to a staring and fearful zombie. E. watched this small life wither and could do nothing about it. She had no rights as a foreigner to intervene. She had no way of comforting the child that she began to love. She had no ability to make things better or fix things that were very very screwed up. She watched the child suffer and some part of her died with the child.

It has been my experience too. Different situations of course. I still dont know how to make sense of things. I still havent framed it all up and learned anything that I can say "God taught me blah blah blah".

I suppose those types of people have never seen the brand of cruelty that I am talking about. That they are still in church somewhere. Afraid to see it. I guess I am too now but I dont hide in the church anymore.