Spare the Child

I (Karen) am currently reading Spare the Child: The Religious Roots of Punishment and the Psychological Impact of Physical Abuse by Philip Greven.

It has brought up so many interesting points that relate to fundamentalism and abuse. It can be harrowing to read.

After discussing some of the thoughts in the book with Anita, we began to trace our own journeys from believing that violence toward children was acceptable and even necessary to holding an openly strong stance on non-violence in the home. We both realized that we started out typically callous toward children even though our own pasts were spotted with and/or lined with harsh punishments and unfair discipline.

I hear many church goers speak about children with this same callusness, in America, in Europe, and in Australia. It makes me cringe and it makes me weary of christianity. I feel happier when I am in the homes of the unchurched for many reasons and this is one of them. I feel relaxed that they will not abuse their children in the name of God or talk about it casually or make joking references on the subject. Even the most gracious churches seem to hold the view that hitting children is necessary, as I learned one Sunday while in a bathroom stall- trapped while listening to a mother spank her child. She told the child that she hit her out of love and I could not help but think that the little girl would grow up and continually think that love=pain, that love=terror, that love=helplessness. It made my own past clearer, and why now I have a difficult time believing that there is such a thing as "love".

"Love" means helping someone else survive and that is the clearest and most meaningful definition I can come to. Jesus thinks so too. How about the Good Samaritan? A despised Samaritan takes the time to help a fellow human being survive, to pay out of his own pocket to make sure that the man was safe and cared for. This is simple and it does not include power games, breaking the will, unquestioned control or anything else that I have experienced in the name of God and in the name of love.

So what brought both Anita and I from a state of callusness to a state of sensitivity to children? It was, we decided, looking into the eyes of some of the most ill treated children on earth. To work with babies who taught themselves to sit up, to walk, to talk. Who drank from a bottle propped on a pillow. Who were force fed when they hated the food. Who lived weeks and months without positive human touch. Who heard every day how worthless and ugly they were. Who were scorned and laughed at because of fetal alcohol syndrome which makes them hasty, uncoordinated, and careless. Who were sexually abused over and over without recourse. Who were shut up in closests, stripped of clothes and beaten, or starved. To begin to understand the depth of abuse and neglect that was permeating their lives and to be able to do so little about it made me stand back and think about everything concerning children. It made me look at my own controlled, isolated, and insecure past and left me wondering where the church fit in, as they only seemed to make things worse, not better.

Many times I have witnessed child abuse and have had little recourse to change the situation for the children being hurt. In this, my soul became aware of the great value of the child and the emphasis Jesus put on valuing their lives. And it made me realize that if I was able to be in the company of children who were well taken care of and loved I was experiencing a rare moment in the world. I treasure those moments. I collect them.Unfortunately, these moments are not the current condition in our country or overseas.

Unfortunately, it is not the case in our churches either...which again makes me question the purpose and sanity of such an institution.